1_cool_dude

Mon, 21 Aug 2006 07:07:52 GMT

i originally made this stupid thing well over a year ago to just talk to noone about nothing and how much i was in love with her and how much life sucked....one minute your up...the next your down. I am finally ok now with life...no fuck ok...im happy, damn happy, i dont regret one second of anything thats happened and I'm 10 times stronger for everything thats happened to me and im just gunna keep on moving forward...and anyone who comes with me good...anyone who doesnt..happy sailing to them...im out

the end

Sun, 28 May 2006 14:21:04 GMT

yo what the fiznuck is a livejournal...why in the hell did I make one?
Im tinkin this is the last post since all of my last posts basically talked about you know who
well stuffs definately changed thats for dayum sure, oh well...lost another favorite person
so so far in the past 6 months ive lost 4 of my favorite people in the world
which is just greeeaat!!
oh well
na na na na life goes on
peace

Sat, 25 Feb 2006 08:46:18 GMT

you said the person ive turned into is not the person you fell in love with....im starting to think its just you who has changed

prove to me thats not the case
...please

Sun, 11 Dec 2005 05:49:58 GMT

Its ridiculous

It’s been months

For some reason

I just can’t get over us

And Im stronger than this

Enough is enough

No more walkin' round with my head down

Im so over being blue

Crying over you

And im so sick of love songs

So tired of tears

So done wit wishing you were still here

Said Im so sick of love songs

So sad and slow

So why can’t I turn off the radio?

Wed, 07 Dec 2005 18:49:44 GMT

two days ago, it would have been nine months since that saturday night we were concidered a couple. I woke up this morning...or afternoon i should say, missing you more than I ever have before. To try and remember what it was like to be completely happy, i needed to take a small dip into the past by looking at all of the text messages we sent eachother. I never thought a stupid thing such as you saying hi to me could make me happy. You started so many text message conversations with the words i love you...not i love you to. It was you saying you love me first....meaning out of the hundreds and thousands of people you know, I was the one you cared about more than anyone else who wasnt your own blood. I cant believe that after hearing words so strong out of your lips, or fingers, that i took advantage of what i had with you. What comes around goes around...for every minute of pain i caused you and you did not deserve, god gives me an hour of heartbreak. For every hour you did not deserve, i get a day. My quest to backtrack my life to before i met you is going well. I joke like i used to...i smile like i used to. Im genuinly happy some of the time again, which is a step. I looked at those messages you sent me from this past school year. We would text eachother 5 times during the school day alone. I got to talk to you and see you every day and yet i still came to take advantage of the most beautiful person inside and out that i have ever known. Im deciding to cut this letter short because i know you wont actually read it. I just wanted to say alittle bit more of how i feel. I know that as every day passes both of us get more and more ok with the situation we are in together...or rather seperate. I fear that the risk of pain of being together is what makes you not pick up your phone or call me back for a few days. I know your busy and you have a ton of things to do always, but it never seemed to stop you last year from texting me to say i love you or just plain hi. I hate the situation were in and i hate what i changed into. I know that you and i are ment to be together in the end and I hope you realize that. Moving on does not make it any easire. I hope you dont give up on us and know that in the end we can be happy together. My usual letters that make alot of people say wow...this one does not because im holding alot of things back. I know you wont read this anyway but if you do for some reason, dont give up. Its not easy to wake up every morning sad but i do it, because the pain is worth knowing one day you and i might be able to be us again
i dont even have to say it,
i love you

Thu, 24 Nov 2005 05:34:24 GMT

I wish you could know what its like to have your heart broken every day...then maybe you would call

happy thanksgiving

i just needed to talk to the world

Sun, 13 Nov 2005 05:12:28 GMT

The dictionary defines the word pain as “An unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with actual or potential tissue damage, or described in terms of such damage.” Pain can be a sad feeling, an upset stomached, or anything that basically hurts but what really is pain. I wake up in the morning with a feeling in my chest that does not feel right. Yes it could be that I am just hungry or it could be that my stomached hurts but its not a stomach pain. Imagining what was done hundreds and thousands of years ago when a mans heart was simply ripped out of his chest... this feels like a privilege to what I feel when I wake up every morning. Food has not taste (the little I want to eat now), music doesn’t excite me like it used to, a smile on my face no longer means that I am happy. I used to live my life one day at a time, knowing that I always had my family and my friends on my side. Over the course of about 8 months my aspect of happiness changed. Like an hour glass, my hear slowly went from being all mine to being all hers. Fascinated with the word love, I had no idea what I was feeling. One month went by and I thought that this might be something special. A few months past and I knew it was something special. The word I love you was always tossed around in our society especially with me specifically. I told everyone that I loved them, and I did but I never knew truly what love is. Love is another word that is abstract, can be interpreted in many different ways. What really is love? How do you know you’re in love or you truly do love? Do you love someone when you get along? Can you hate someone and still love them at the same time? The word love to me was never a word I thought I would be able to fully understand until I was much older. I thought teenage love was very different from the real love grown-ups feel. From watching many people fall “in and out of love” I never thought that the weird feeling I had was love. All of a sudden, I was able to not only understand, but relate to all of the love songs. How could I be happier? True, nothing is perfect and I did get into many fights with her and we had our share of problems but ever night I smiled as I fell asleep because my yellow road was now green because it was crossing someone else’s path. My whole life I hoped that our paths would come from separate directions and merge together to make one very strong path. Until the very last moment, I knew that I was no longer a yellow brick road; I was one half of a brand new road that was being built before every step was taken. I was blinded in my ways and never looked down to see that my road was becoming more and more yellow again. I did not look down because I did not want to, not because I could not. All of a sudden I looked down finally and saw that my road was all yellow again. By then it was too late and when I looked closer, my blue bricks were gone. The only happiness i feel is ended abruptly by my eyes opening in the morning, and is short lived with reality.
Whether or not the bricks will again merge as one, I do not know. Life to me is no longer about breathing and passing the time while having fun; it’s about trying to get my green path back. Waking up every morning not happy is not a feeling I am used to having. Going to sleep genuinely upset and sad is also something that I did not know much about. Feeling that come and go are inevitable and unavoidable. I change, you change, everybody changes are words that a know all to well. What am I to do? What can I do to make it not hurt anymore? The most common advice I have gotten is if it is meant to be, its meant to be. This is true but what if it is the perfect person for you and you are the perfect person for them? That does not mean that you will be together in the end. Yes my broken heart will be fixed like a broken car, and may feel as good as new, but it will truly never be as new as the first day I began using it. How can I heal from being sad when it feels like the tears coming from my eyes are like time, never ending. Sadness in my eyes are shown from a constant flow of water seeming to come from a hose in my head that doesn’t ever shut off. My heart will never be the same as it was the first time I gave it to her. True one day I will eventually give up and move on, but I will never be able to get back the piece of me that was given to her. A woman, I will till my dieing day do anything for. The day she looked into my eyes and told me she loved me, I was changed. How can I forget the feeling in my stomach when I know that the person staring into my eyes is the women who wants to spend the rest of her life with me? There is no feeling that can replace the first time someone tells you that they love you. It is a moment where your whole life flashes by and you realize you have a purpose all of a sudden. You have a reason to be alive and functioning. Time is no longer measured in seconds and minutes, it is measured in kisses and hugs….it is measured in smiles and tears. True we are only on a break and we might get back together but just like my heart, my remaining hope vanishes like the sand in the top of the hourglass
Over 17 years I tried to understand what was so special that some people could stair into each others eyes and tell them they would do anything for them. The feeling is something that used to make me smile whenever I thought about it. Its now a feeling that makes me cry. Seeing her for the first time since our relationship ended was hard. There was so much I wanted to say to her. I wanted to pour the small portion of my remaining heart out to her. …but I couldn’t. Moving on is the easiest thing that I can do but I don’t want to. I will spend the rest of my life trying to get that look she gave me…that feeling that nothing and no one else matters. No matter what happens, we will always be together.
Although we’ve come to the end of the road
Still I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Come to the end of the road
Still I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you

I hope one day she remembers that what we have is more special than can be described in words. Because that’s what people do. They leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down "Why in the hell did I jump?" But here I am, falling, and the only one that makes me feel like I can fly is you. Pain has vanished from a feeling and has become a lifestyle and the only one who can make it better is you
I will love you until my last breath.

Wed, 08 Jun 2005 02:56:31 GMT

tomorrow begins the process of getting a car, which is actually more than i thought it would be...i already have my list of cars that i can buy with the 5,000 i have so step one is complete, next i need to find out the costs of insurance for the cars im looking at, which i will try to do tomorrow, but im going to camp so idk if i will be able to, if not, ill do it on thursday....then after that i have to test drive all the cars im interested in....then once i picked one i like the most i have to get it either towed or drive it to my house....then i have to go to the dmv and get it resigtered and liscence plated...if anyone has any interesting liscence plate names that i can use, i think it has to be 7 letters or numbers or less ( i think it costs 50 extra, but if n e one gets something good ill spend the money and use it)....anyway after registering it and stuff i gotta go and finally get it insured and alla dat good stuff...i think this is gunna take till at least the end of next week....but thats ok cuz we only have 7 days of regualar school left, 1 or 2 of which im not going to...im sooooo excited, and this entry has gone on long enough

Mon, 06 Jun 2005 17:07:22 GMT

well hello there, i havent updated in quite a while....new news with me....i got none
ive been going out with sarah for 3 months as of yesterday..or as she likes to say, 3 month anniversary ;)
what else...went to camp friday instead of school, only 8 days of regular classes left which im really happy about
i also told my parents last tuesday that they had 1 week to decide what there gunna go about me getting a car, and that they had one week before i just take the money out myself and get a car tomorrow, they havent said anything yet so i guess im gunna be starting to look for a car tomorrow
that would be all for now

Mon, 30 May 2005 16:25:00 GMT

what a day yesterday was...and what a night to top it off
during the day i got paid 25 dollars to screw around with sarah for a few hours and drive a mustang
at night i got to steel a car after craiggot punched in the nuts and yelled at and josh got fruited and tons of good stuff
im tired, and i just woke up
going to camp...b bk never bitches

Sun, 29 May 2005 06:00:19 GMT

i saw almost everybody tonight, it was great...to bad u didnt pick up your phone for some late night sex

p.s. i tried to do a pick up line to everyone who i wanted to talk to online at 2 in the morning...here were the results

jewboiy69 (1:50:13 AM): did it hurt?
Zaaoy (1:50:28 AM): when I fell from heaven?
jewboiy69 (1:50:36 AM): oh you suck
Zaaoy (1:50:43 AM): I know
that was failed attempt #1

jewboiy69 (1:52:10 AM): did it hurt?
MLE3513 (1:52:22 AM): ?
jewboiy69 (1:52:30 AM): when you fell from heaven baby
MLE3513 (1:52:43 AM): the first time i read yours i thought it said when you fell as a baby
im tired...goodnight

Fri, 27 May 2005 16:56:24 GMT

how come the whole world are full of cock blockers?

Wed, 25 May 2005 19:23:23 GMT

sarahs coming home tonight...which is a big plus, but this car thing is bringing me down alot still...and i have my macom graduation...sooo gay

Tue, 24 May 2005 16:59:10 GMT

like every other fuckin person in this world, i have my share of problems also. over the past 3 or 4 years, the only thing i have wanted my whole life is a car. thinking of a fool proof plan to get my parents to allow me to take money out for a car, i thought this was a reality. my parents promised me that they would pay for 4 years of a state school for me. my idea was that if i go the 4 years at a state school, only during that time i was in the honors program, i would save myself about 5,000 each year. so i talked to my parents to see if i could take the 5,000 out now and if for some reason i never get into the honrs program, i would pay it back and get a student loan my second semester senior year, which i would pay the 5,000 dollars off after college. the only thing my parents said is you dont NEED a car....noone needs anything but food and water to live. its a luxury which is taken for granted when you have, and is longed when you dont....someone give me one good reason y i shouldnt have a car please, cuz i cant think of a fuckin thing

Tue, 17 May 2005 21:03:11 GMT

PROM!!!!

i love myself

the old women

corsages!!

who’s that hot guy with that girl

Sat, 14 May 2005 05:31:06 GMT

well...prom starts in like 15 hours and i have to say idk how i feel about it....on one hand im really excited but something is making me feel nervious, idk y...maybe cuz i cant dance and sarah can..stupid bitch...oh well, ill post pictures up in this bitch on sunday from prom...n e suggestions where i should go on sunday?

Wed, 11 May 2005 17:34:22 GMT

i love feeling guilty when im the one who did nothing wrong

Wed, 11 May 2005 03:47:16 GMT

so...took the ap psych today finally. I wish i could have done more studying for it but thats ok, its over now. Im kinda pissed since theres still a whole lesson plan that we have to follow even now after the ap test is done. today i went and dropped my sister off at her baseball game, she seems to be doing well. then i decided to go to milford..what a freakin surprise (to the 2 ppl who are actually reading this). that was fun just chilled at gregs and did the usual

Tue, 10 May 2005 04:00:28 GMT

well, its about midnight now and im really bored...trying to study for the stupid ap psych for tomorrow. What have i done today...got home, made this, ate, talked to sarah...damn boring as usual, but thats ok cuz i dont ahve to get up till 11:30 tomorrow

Mon, 09 May 2005 20:33:27 GMT

ok..so here starts the journal legacy. i promised myself god knows how long ago that i would not go and be a conformist and make one of these stupid jornal thingies, or do a myspace or anything like that. well i sit here today with one finally, i dont have any friends and i dont know how to request or make u one...not that i like you anyway, actually I LOVE YOU AND EVERYONE!! bye for now